In the Life of Jasper Hale
by DogGirl92
Summary: Hilarious and a kind of spoof. Explores Jasper's powers and what he's like when around Alice. With apperances from Emmett, Edward, Rosalie, Bella, and a little boy named Joshua.


**Happy**

"Jasper! That's _sweet!_" Alice said, clapping her hands. She smiled at me, holding up the necklace I had gotten her. "Even though I knew it, that's so sweet. I love you," she jumped.

"Uh..Alice?" I said, trying to put the necklace on her. "Can you calm down?"

"No, dear!" she said with a grin. "How can I?"

I gritted my teeth. Feeling her emotions flowing through me as if they were my own, I began to jump up and down like her. I screamed happily like a sixteen year old girl getting asked to the prom by the super hunk jock that everyone loves.

I heard snickering. It _had_ to have been Edward. He would be the only one who understood.

"Sorry, honey," Alice giggled as I let out another scream. "I'll try to be more careful next time," she added, jumping up to kiss my lips. She skipped out the door with a grin, presumably going to tell Bella about the 'adorable little necklace Jasper gave' her.

This sucks.

**Angry**

"JASPER!"

"What, Alice?" I asked, rushing outside on the porch.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PORCHE?!"

"Uh..." I looked at the yellow car. It had silly string all over it and even had 'Jasper did this' written on the windows.

"WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I screamed, feeling both my emotions, her emotions, and Emmett and Edward's emotions flowing through me. I was just watching _Star Wars_ while Rosalie, Alice, and Bella went shopping and Emmett and Edward was outside doing...whatever. It seems that they played a prank on me...again. I let out an explosion of laughter as Emmett and Edward did so too.

"I SEE, JASPER HALE!" Alice shouted, tapping her foot impatiently. Bella and Rosalie were giggling behind her. "Why did you do this!"

"I didn't!" I growled, feeling her emotions like a train that just had hit me. "I swear."

"THAN WHY DOES IT HAVE 'JASPER DID THIS' ON THE WINDOW?!" she yelled.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" I yelled back. "GOD, I'M SO STUPID!" I added. I was angry at _myself,_ and I didn't do anything.

"If you didn't to it, then why are you stupid?"

"BECAUSE I AM. I'M STUPID BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DESTROYED YOUR PORCHE!" Great. I just admitted something that I did not do.

Alice looked at me, her perfect eyebrows raised. "Fine, J_ass_per," she said, "if you did do this, then there will be no more whipped cream and cherries."

"NO!" I screamed, my voice breaking. I _liked_ whipped cream and cherries. Not to eat, of course. They do not appeal to me in that way. If you are thinking what I think your thinking, then you are such a perv. Seriously.

"GOD, I'M STUPID! Why did I DO THAT?!" I shouted.

Alice just looked at me with a stare that made me want to go jump off a cliff...repeatedly. "Why did you do that?" she asked coldly.

I shrugged, my face twisted like a human's when they cried. "I DON'T KNOW." I whined angrily. "ALICE PLEASE CALM DOWN!" I pleaded.

She just grinned evilly and kept tapping her little foot. She didn't plan on calming down soon, and that was her payback.

**Sexy**

"Come on, Jas," Alice pressed, "open the door."

"Fine," I sighed, opening the door to the dressing room.

"Oh," she said, her topaz eyes wide. "You look...sexy," she giggled.

I looked down. "Hey, I do," I said with a grin. "Wait...stop!" I said.

"Hey, I can't help it," she said, dancing to me. She took off my jacket and made a weird, 'you're so yummy' sound in the back of her throat. Of course, I made the same sound. To myself.

I looked at myself in the mirror. _God, I'm sexy,_I thought, raising my eyebrows up and down at my reflection. I shook my head, as if to shake the conceited thoughts from my mind.

"That's a good suit for the wedding," Alice said, "but try this light blue tie instead of the red one. I hope Bella likes it; she made the excuse not to come because she _broke her wrist again_," she added the last bit in an oddly good Bella voice. She shoved another tie in my arms and I quickly put it on while she went to check on Emmett's suit. I caught her checking me out, and I caught myself checking myself out. Really, it's creepy.

"Oww!" I shouted. "I'm schmexy!" I smacked myself on the butt. Then I realized how stupid I looked. Really, I did look completely and utterly stupid. But that didn't help anything; Alice still thought I was sexy because...well, the next thing I knew I was doing that weird and stupid dance that makes you look like your on a horse, and your smacking your butt at the same time.

"Oh, Jasper!" Alice giggled, seeing me in the middle of my endless masquerade. "You're too _enticing_!" I looked at myself once more. I _did_ look enticing. I licked my lips, raising my eyebrows. I just wanted to drag myself into the dressing room and make love to myself. I shuddered as the last part came to my mind. I'm so glad Edward wasn't there. "Alice, please," I said looking at her.

She grinned, leaping on me and closing the door. "God, I'm sorry," she giggled, kissing me on the lips. "I won't do it again." she lied. You could tell Alice was lying when she dropped everything and paused. And she did just that. I let her down as I went to normal. I knew that she'd do it later on, hopfully when we were alone. Knowing Alice, it wouldn't be too long.

**Sad**

_"That's the one good thing about Paris: there's a lot of girls willing to take their clothes off."_

Emmett laughed beside me. Rosalie, Emmett, and I was watching _Titanic_ in the family room. We'd watched it tons of times, but Rosalie loved it. She forced us all to watch it at least once a week.

Of course, since my powers were the way they were, I loved it too. Yet, I hated it at the same time. I mean, what's so special about it? I was jerked into reality when Rosalie slapped Emmett on the knee. Apparently he made a nasty comment about Rose's beloved Jack. I chuckled.

"I'm going to check on Alice," I said, getting up, "she's too quiet."

I found her in the garden, sobbing. She wasn't sprouting tears, of course, because of the whole vampire thing. But she was making weird sounds as if she was. "What's wrong, Alice?" I asked, sitting lightly beside her on the ground.

"My roses died!" she wailed, sniffing.

"Oh, that's--Wwwwhy?!" I wailed like her. "I'm s-so sorry, Alice. Really, I wish I could have h-h-helped you," I whined.

She glanced up at me, sadness truely shining in her eyes. "I tried my best to save them! Why? Esme can garden perfectly; why can't I?"

"I-I don't know!" I replied, my long legs extending in front of me. "Why?" I repeated, sniffing.

Alice looked at me again, patting my back. "I suppose I can try later," she said, getting up as if nothing happened. Ugh. Women. They have as much mood swings as a lovesick moose.

**Childish**

As I sat down in the waiting room, waiting on Alice, Edward, and Bella to get out of the ER with Carlisle (Bella had tripped once again; possilbly broken her wrist) a kid was laughing merrily beside me. He was playing with these two cars, grinning widely at the people in the room.

"Hello," he grinned at me. "I'm Joshua. What's your name?"

"Jasper," I said awkwardly.

"Coooool," he said. "Wanna play?"

"Uh..." I thought. I could sense he really wanted me too. Which, made me really want to. "Sure," I said, taking a car he handed me.

He giggled sweetly and sat in the floor. I sat beside him. "Let's play Lincom Logs," he said.

"Lincoln Logs?" I corrected as he slide a box with wooden sticks in them. "Oooo," I added, obviously distracted. I picked them up, laughing hysterically and began to build a mansion.

"Whatcha buildin'?" Joshua asked, peering at me through his little house.

"A mansion," I grinned. I began to sing: "A mansion, a mansion, a lovely little mansion. With bathrooms and bedrooms and lovely little play rooms. So Alice and I could have a lovely tiiiiiiime."

"Jasper Hale!" Alice scoulded. "What the hell--o kitty are you doing?" She had to stop herself. There were kids in the room.

"Buildin' a mansion," I said simply.

"Why?"

"'Cause I wanna."

"Come on, Bella is done," she sighed, as if she had to deal with this everyday. Which, she does.

"Nooooo!" I whined.

"_Jasper!_" she snapped, tapping her foot.

"Just five more minutes," I pleaded.

"Jasper Whitlock Hale!" she said. "Come ON!"

"NO! Please! Five more minutes!"

She sighed, taking me by my wrists and pulling me. I resisted. "Jasper, don't make a fool of yourself," she said, glancing at Joshua, who was having at tantrum himself. "Come on, dear. I'll get you some ice cream," she said. I jumped up at the sound of _ice cream_, grinning widely. Of course I couldn't have ice cream, being a vampire, but then I had the mindset of a five year old.

**Excited/Nervous**

"I don't have to sign the book," I said to Charlie for the fiftieth time. He looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed. People were getting rowdy in the pews ahead of us. Charlie moaned, dropping the pen and going somewhere, whispering something about his little girl. I smirked, looking around for any of my family. They were all huddled in a corner, including Edward, in the far side of the church.

Alice was trying to flatten Edward's hair. Of course it looked perfectly fine as it was (in casual disarray, as he always wears it) but she seemed a bit...out of character today.

"Edward, cheer up! It's your _wedding day_," she jabbed a finger on his chest, "you should be happy; excited!"

"I am," he growled, smiling as best as he could. He was nervous, yes, but he kept his cool. He was a little excited too. Wonder why? I snorted. "Stop that, Jasper," Edward said, shooting me a 'I'm killing you later' look.

Alice clapped her hands happily, going to me and linking her arm with mine. As I was more susceptible to Alice's emotions, the touch she gave me sent a shock of excited emotions. "YAY! MARRIGE!" I jumped up and down excitedly. Alice looked at me, beaming as if I was the mind reader, not Edward. Emmett and Rosalie, who were talking in the corner (when I say 'talking' I mean 'making out'), burst out in laughter.

"Where's Bella?" Alice said. "No, don't answer that. I should know; I'm her maid of honor. Come on, Jas, let's go see if she's alright."

I grinned happily as we skipped gracefully to the room that contained Bella Swan. I wasn't really sure where we went too--I didn't pay much attention because of the skipping and giggling like a little school girl.

"ALICE!" Bella said as we came into the room. "Oh, Alice, I'm nervous."

"Of course you are, Bella," Alice said calmly, though I knew she was practically jumping up and down on the inside. And, of course, I was literally. Bella was looking at me weird.

"What if we turn out like mom and dad?" she asked. "I know we can't have a baby...but what if our love...you know...fades?"

"It won't, Bella," Alice said simply. "Trust me."

I sat on a bench beside Bella, her dress Alice had picked out poofed out. It made her look like a beautiful princess. Our elbows briefly touched and I suddenly felt a wave of nervousness.

"Oh, crap, Bella, what are you DOING?" I whined, looking at her with a sort of 'why?' look humans get. "I'm SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" I shouted shrilly. My feelings were switching from Bella's to Alice's fast. "I can NOT wait until you are a part of the family--what am I saying? You _are_ a part of the family. But I can't wait--we can shop and play games and--Oh. My God. What the _hell _are you doing, Isabella Swan? You can't do this! Yes, yes you can. No! You can't! Yes--no--yes--no."

Bella looked at me, like one of those cute little dogs look at you when you make a weird noise, and began to giggle. "Oh, God, Jasper, I love you," she said, patting my shoulder. "Well. I'm ready. Let's get this show on the road."

Oh yeah. Let's do get this show on the road. More like _Let's hurry and get this hell-of-a emotional trainwreck over with._ That's why I hate weddings. Too many emotions. It wouldn't be so bad if people weren't crying, and I couldn't cry. Not complaining though. If I could, then I'd be a baby. Literally, a crying little baby. I can thank the stars for some things.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Edward, Jasper, OR Emmett (Although I would LOVE to own the last three. :D) This is just a parody/humorous story that I thought up in a matter of three days. I was thinking "what would happen, since Jasper's powers are supposedly 'spongy', if he was put into different situations?" Of course, I doubt this would happen in the real books, mainly because he hasn't lost his cool in them yet. But that's what I've always imagined Jasper doing: Being serious half of the time, and being a goofball the rest.**

**Please right and review! If you have any suggestions, I may write another chapter. :D**


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